Kitty Cash

The Projector

Why did the projector blush?

It saw the filmstrip!

College Course Assignment

High Security in Africa

Learn Japanese in 5 Minutes

1) That's not right - Sum Ting Wong 

2) Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao 

4) Stupid Man - Dum Gai 

5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni 

6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni 

8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat 

9) It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim? 

10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King 

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo 

14) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka 

15) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great - Fu Kin Su Pah 

Love Squirrels

Fortune Teller

Just had an appointment with the fortune teller.

She told me a lot of money is coming my way! 

I left all existed - and got hit by a frikkin Securicor van!!

Vampire Cat

Heaven!

What do u call a woman in heaven?

An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven?

A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven?

PEACE ON EARTH!

Cats do argue!

Snow

Whats the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? 

Snow balls!

Nuts!

Heat or Cold?

What travels faster, heat or cold?

Heat silly, it is too easy to catch a cold!!

Corporate Cat

The little girl

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,"I don't fink my pet python weally givth a thit"

Homey kitten!

Where would you rather be?

In prison: you spend your time in an 8x10 cell.

At work: you spend your time in an even smaller cubicle.

In prison: you get 3 meals a day.

At work: you get a break for 1 meal and have to pay for it. 

In prison: you get time off for good behavior.

At work: you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison: there are wardens who are often sadistic and psycotic.

At work: we call them owners, bosses, managers, etc.

In prison: you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work: there are many programs you can never get out of.

In prison: all costs are paid by taxpayers, with no effort on your part required.

At work: you get to pay all expenses to get to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners..

In prison: you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

Call of Duty 4

The Office

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to 

change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. 

A Prayer

Army Kid

An Army kid was boasting about his father to his friend, "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said his friend, "My dad has built them."

Then the kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes.", he replied, "It's my dad who's killed it!"

His Name? Biscuits!! Don't believe me?

Your Mamma!

Your mamma is so fat that her measurements are 36-24-36...

...and her other arm is just as big!

Penrith Train Station

Two zebra's pondering

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other,

"Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"

The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."

So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."

The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."

The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Pizza Delivery!

Answer

Answer is Mary! durrrrrr

How smart are you?

Let's see how smart you are!

Mary's father has 5 daughters: NaNa, NeNe, NiNi, NoNo.

What is the 5th daughters name?

Think you know it? Think again! The answer will be revealed in a few days.

Bathroom Notice

Cryptic Message

it wrote who guy the curse and silly feel you'll backwards message this read to have you realise you time the by

Meet Lollypop!

Job Centre

Paddy marches into the job centre and screams "I've been ringing 08001730 for days now trying to get help!"

Girl at the reception desk asks "Did you get that number from our door sir?"

"Yes", Paddy says.

Girl replies "Those are our opening hours!"

NiteLink Passengers Notice

Breaking news!

Stephen Hawkins is in hospital with a broken collar bone,

two broken ribs and a fractured skill.

Aparently, his girl friend stood him up!

Pig Arrested!

Chasing women

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving!

Penrith train station notice

Fine Wine!

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age.

The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

It could be love?

Today's news!

The man who fell onto an upholstery machine has been fully recovered.

Toskana Sale

Today's News

The thief who stole a calendar got twelve months!

Bearcat!

Blind guy

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

It's not hard!

Animal Detox Day

Blode Joke!

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead all are on top of a building. They all jump off at the same time.

Which one hits the ground last?

The blonde because she had to stop for directions.

Samurai Cats!

Paralympics

China has announced it's team for the approching Paralympics:

Won Kee Eye, Sim Pal Twat, Kin Mong, Wan Lim Gon, Fut Long Tung and Mai Lef Fut.

Introducing the new McBiggerBurger

Drive them wild!

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

Money!

Invisible Bike

New person in prison!

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four great cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?", "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Stickup!

Cross Eyed Dog!

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him"

The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

Sooooo funny!

Just a thought!

if we can put 1 man on the moon how come we cant put them all there?

Flavour!

Higher Power!

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

Happy Meal Cat

News

Big row in Irish synchorinised diving team in Beijing today,

Paddy said: "Mick was copying me"!

Designed by Women!

Laxative

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

He didn't know if he was coming or going!

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet

Your Mamma

Your mama's like a refrigerator, everyone sticks their meat in her!

Prayer

Why it's great to be a guy

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $2000, Tux rental $100.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Addicted

Dead Cat!

I got home and found the cat dead in the washing machine earlier today :(

I'm gutted, but at least she died in Comfort!

It WAS Prince Phillip!!

Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

One for the Photo Album

Kiss

Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?

The Queen's Cat!

Marriage

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her!

Sandwich

Paddy and Mick

Paddy buys two goldfish and calls them One and Two.

Micks says "Those are funny names, why did you call them One and Two?"

Paddy replys "Well, if one dies, I'll still have two left"!

All things Scouse!

New to football

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, ” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

Attention!

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can bep romoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from holiday. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

Yoda's Return!

Your Mamma

Your mamma is so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag!

Cool Kat!

Polish Urinal

A sign over a Polish urinal reads "Please don't eat the big white mints"!

The End!