!! Amuz'd !!

Kitty Cash

2008-12-28T18:46:00.001Z

The Projector

2008-12-26T14:45:00.000Z

Why did the projector blush?

It saw the filmstrip!

College Course Assignment

2008-12-24T10:44:00.002Z

High Security in Africa

2008-12-22T01:11:00.000Z

Learn Japanese in 5 Minutes

2008-12-20T00:40:00.001Z

1) That's not right - Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man - Dum Gai

5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great - Fu Kin Su Pah

Love Squirrels

2008-12-18T23:53:00.001Z

Fortune Teller

2008-12-16T23:48:00.002Z

Just had an appointment with the fortune teller.

She told me a lot of money is coming my way!

I left all existed - and got hit by a frikkin Securicor van!!

Vampire Cat

2008-12-14T12:53:00.001Z

Heaven!

2008-12-12T05:50:00.000Z

What do u call a woman in heaven?

An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven?

A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven?

PEACE ON EARTH!

Cats do argue!

2008-12-10T00:29:00.000Z

Snow

2008-12-08T03:38:00.000Z

Whats the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snow balls!

Nuts!

2008-12-06T06:16:00.000Z

Heat or Cold?

2008-12-04T03:35:00.000Z

What travels faster, heat or cold?

Heat silly, it is too easy to catch a cold!!

Corporate Cat

2008-12-02T00:10:00.000Z

The little girl

2008-11-28T00:31:00.000Z

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,"I don't fink my pet python weally givth a thit"

Homey kitten!

2008-11-26T00:41:00.001Z

Where would you rather be?

2008-11-24T19:30:00.001Z

In prison: you spend your time in an 8x10 cell.

At work: you spend your time in an even smaller cubicle.

In prison: you get 3 meals a day.

At work: you get a break for 1 meal and have to pay for it.

In prison: you get time off for good behavior.

At work: you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison: there are wardens who are often sadistic and psycotic.

At work: we call them owners, bosses, managers, etc.

In prison: you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work: there are many programs you can never get out of.

In prison: all costs are paid by taxpayers, with no effort on your part required.

At work: you get to pay all expenses to get to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners..

In prison: you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

Call of Duty 4

2008-11-22T19:46:00.001Z

The Office

2008-11-20T21:23:00.001Z

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to

change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

A Prayer

2008-11-18T21:06:00.001Z

Army Kid

2008-11-16T22:52:00.004Z

An Army kid was boasting about his father to his friend, "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said his friend, "My dad has built them."

Then the kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes.", he replied, "It's my dad who's killed it!"

His Name? Biscuits!! Don't believe me?

2008-11-14T00:05:00.001Z

Your Mamma!

2008-11-12T22:05:00.001Z

Your mamma is so fat that her measurements are 36-24-36...

...and her other arm is just as big!

Penrith Train Station

2008-11-10T20:09:00.001Z

Two zebra's pondering

2008-11-08T13:35:00.001Z

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other,

"Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"

The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."

So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."

The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."

The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Pizza Delivery!

2008-11-06T00:31:00.001Z

Answer

2008-11-04T00:13:00.000Z

Answer is Mary! durrrrrr

How smart are you?

2008-11-02T01:07:00.006Z

Let's see how smart you are!

Mary's father has 5 daughters: NaNa, NeNe, NiNi, NoNo.

What is the 5th daughters name?

Think you know it? Think again! The answer will be revealed in a few days.

Bathroom Notice

2008-10-28T21:52:00.001Z

Cryptic Message

2008-10-26T00:16:00.000+01:00

it wrote who guy the curse and silly feel you'll backwards message this read to have you realise you time the by

Meet Lollypop!

2008-10-22T19:57:00.000+01:00

Job Centre

2008-10-20T00:01:00.005+01:00

Paddy marches into the job centre and screams "I've been ringing 08001730 for days now trying to get help!"

Girl at the reception desk asks "Did you get that number from our door sir?"

"Yes", Paddy says.

Girl replies "Those are our opening hours!"

NiteLink Passengers Notice

2008-10-18T22:00:00.000+01:00

Breaking news!

2008-10-16T00:00:00.002+01:00

Stephen Hawkins is in hospital with a broken collar bone,

two broken ribs and a fractured skill.

Aparently, his girl friend stood him up!

Pig Arrested!

2008-10-14T20:49:00.000+01:00

Chasing women

2008-10-12T17:24:00.000+01:00

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving!

Penrith train station notice

2008-10-10T12:41:00.000+01:00

Fine Wine!

2008-10-08T20:32:00.000+01:00

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age.

The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

It could be love?

2008-10-06T21:52:00.000+01:00

Today's news!

2008-10-04T00:43:00.000+01:00

The man who fell onto an upholstery machine has been fully recovered.

Toskana Sale

2008-10-02T19:46:00.000+01:00

Today's News

2008-09-28T23:16:00.000+01:00

The thief who stole a calendar got twelve months!

Bearcat!

2008-09-26T14:54:00.000+01:00

Blind guy

2008-09-24T23:48:00.000+01:00

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

It's not hard!

Animal Detox Day

2008-09-22T16:28:00.001+01:00

Blode Joke!

2008-09-20T14:08:00.003+01:00

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead all are on top of a building. They all jump off at the same time.

Which one hits the ground last?

The blonde because she had to stop for directions.

Samurai Cats!

2008-09-18T11:56:00.002+01:00

Paralympics

2008-09-16T22:49:00.001+01:00

China has announced it's team for the approching Paralympics:

Won Kee Eye, Sim Pal Twat, Kin Mong, Wan Lim Gon, Fut Long Tung and Mai Lef Fut.

Introducing the new McBiggerBurger

2008-09-14T19:43:00.002+01:00

Drive them wild!

2008-09-12T21:44:00.000+01:00

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

Money!

Invisible Bike

2008-09-10T23:09:00.001+01:00

New person in prison!

2008-09-08T12:38:00.001+01:00

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four great cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?", "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Stickup!

2008-09-06T00:38:00.002+01:00

Cross Eyed Dog!

2008-09-04T21:43:00.000+01:00

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him"

The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

Sooooo funny!

2008-09-02T16:37:00.002+01:00

Just a thought!

2008-08-29T00:15:00.000+01:00

if we can put 1 man on the moon how come we cant put them all there?

Flavour!

2008-08-27T00:23:00.004+01:00

Higher Power!

2008-08-26T10:28:00.002+01:00

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

Happy Meal Cat

2008-08-25T03:25:00.000+01:00

News

2008-08-23T17:08:00.002+01:00

Big row in Irish synchorinised diving team in Beijing today,

Paddy said: "Mick was copying me"!

Designed by Women!

2008-08-22T08:24:00.008+01:00

Laxative

2008-08-21T19:04:00.003+01:00

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

He didn't know if he was coming or going!

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet

2008-08-20T00:07:00.002+01:00

Your Mamma

2008-08-19T00:33:00.000+01:00

Your mama's like a refrigerator, everyone sticks their meat in her!

Prayer

2008-08-18T00:36:00.001+01:00

Why it's great to be a guy

2008-08-17T00:41:00.000+01:00

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $2000, Tux rental $100.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Addicted

2008-08-16T01:54:00.003+01:00

Dead Cat!

2008-08-15T00:03:00.001+01:00

I got home and found the cat dead in the washing machine earlier today :(

I'm gutted, but at least she died in Comfort!

It WAS Prince Phillip!!

2008-08-14T00:11:00.001+01:00

Barbie

2008-08-13T00:38:00.000+01:00

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

One for the Photo Album

2008-08-12T00:07:00.002+01:00

Kiss

2008-08-11T01:01:00.001+01:00

Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?

The Queen's Cat!

2008-08-10T00:16:00.002+01:00

Marriage

2008-08-09T01:22:00.001+01:00

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her!

Sandwich

2008-08-08T00:54:00.004+01:00

Paddy and Mick

2008-08-07T00:44:00.001+01:00

Paddy buys two goldfish and calls them One and Two.

Micks says "Those are funny names, why did you call them One and Two?"

Paddy replys "Well, if one dies, I'll still have two left"!

All things Scouse!

2008-08-06T19:11:00.002+01:00

New to football

2008-08-05T00:03:00.001+01:00

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, ” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

Attention!

2008-08-04T00:44:00.000+01:00

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies

2008-08-03T00:16:00.012+01:00

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can bep romoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from holiday. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

Yoda's Return!

2008-08-02T14:11:00.000+01:00

Your Mamma

2008-08-02T02:19:00.000+01:00

Your mamma is so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag!

Cool Kat!

2008-08-01T20:33:00.003+01:00

Polish Urinal

2008-08-01T20:33:00.001+01:00

A sign over a Polish urinal reads "Please don't eat the big white mints"!

The End!

2008-07-31T20:12:00.001+01:00

Inner Peace!

2008-07-31T20:11:00.000+01:00

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu feel ar in ned ov inr peash

Voices

2008-07-31T20:09:00.001+01:00